On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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