Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
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Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
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Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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