I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
