Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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