Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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