Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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