At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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