This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
