Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
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Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
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You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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