i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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