genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
