I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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