shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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