I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
