Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
