I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
im having a threesome with these popsicles
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
