turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
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I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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