Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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