he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
