Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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