you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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