i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
