When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
