yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
