I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
