so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize