Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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