dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
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