Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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