im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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