Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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