Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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