connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i dont even know how to be here
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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