so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
