I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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