whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
