yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
