He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
