If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
birth control should be required to get into college
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
