mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
