Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I FOUND THE LEGS
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
