he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
