i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha