You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?