It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
