come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Boobs speak an international language.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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