He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
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Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
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I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.