a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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