I'm going to rape someone's good day.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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