arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
