Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
