having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
