I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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