we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
She just used a chaser for red wine.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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