I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
