Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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