I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Randomize
