better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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