Me. At least after what I've been through.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
